The Economist presents: The Tragedy of MacGove

The kitchen of Michael and Sarah MacGove, west London

Enter Lady MacGove reading a letter

Lady MacGove
Glamis thou art, and Cawdor, and shalt be
What thou art promis’d

Michael hath secured much valour in the education reform wars and bears the many cicatrices of a chief whip. Why should he stop at Lord Chancellor? Forsooth, ceremonial tights do not become a man who hath striven in the bloody battles of Brexit.

Thou’dst have, great Glamis,
That which cries, “Thus thou must do,” if thou have it;
And that which rather thou dost fear to do

Sends text to Team MacGove, mistakenly copying in entire kingdom.

“Very important now that we overcome the obstacles and thoroughly overcome them”.

(Aside) Hie thee hither,
That I may pour my spirits in thine ear,
And chastise with the valor of my tongue
All that impedes thee from the golden round,

Enter MacGove fresh from a meeting with Boris Johnson on the blasted battlefield that is the post-Referendum British Conservative Party.

MacGove
If chance will have me king, why, chance may crown me
Without my stir.

Lady MacGove
That’s just so typical of you. I said as much to Sam Cameron before we were on no-speaks about the Referendum.
What thou wouldst highly,
That wouldst thou holily; wouldst not play false,
And yet wouldst wrongly win.

MacGove
Prithee, peace:
I dare do all that may become a man;
Who dares do more is none.

Lady MacGove is quietly sending another text.
“I really think Michael needs to have a Henry or a Beth [Gove’s lieutenants] with him for this morning’s critical meetings”

MacGove is looking at a Daily Telegraph front-page picture of Boris Johnson on a zip wire

MacGove
There is none but he
Whose being I do fear: and, under him,
My Genius is rebuked; as, it is said,
Mark Antony's was by Caesar

Lady MacGove is still assiduously texting MacGove’s aides-de-camp

“One simple message you MUST have SPECIFIC assurances from Boris OTHERWISE you cannot guarantee your support.
The details can be worked out later on, but without that you have no leverage.”

Hie thee hither,
That I may pour my spirits in thine ear,
And chastise with the valor of my tongue
All that impedes thee from the golden round.

MacGove
Who are you texting, my fearless love?

Lady MacGove
Oh, just about everyone.

“Crucially the membership will not have the necessary reassurance to back Boris, neither will Dacre/Murdoch, who instinctively dislike Boris but trust your ability enough to support a Boris/Gove ticket.”

MacGove
You mean the thanes of Fleet Street?
Our kingdom’s newspaper nobility?

Lady MacGove
Of course: do keep up.

MacGove
We will proceed no further in this business. The grassroots yearn for Boris. At fundraisers
They roar approval at his Latin jokes
And shun me as a dismal policy wonk

Lady MacGove (testily)
Always with the hesitation.

Art thou afeard
To be the same in thine own act and valor
As thou art in desire?

She texts Team MacGove

“Do not concede any ground. Be your stubborn best”.

MacGove
I’m not too sure about this. If we should fail?

Lady MacGove
We fail!
But screw your courage to the sticking place
And we’ll not fail.
Besides, you can always go and run an Oxford College.

Enter MacGove holding dagger

MacGove
I have done the deed. Didst thou not hear a noise?

Lady MacGove
Only the sound of bankers fleeing to Frankfurt.

MacGove addressing Inverness press corps
I have come reluctantly to the conclusion that Boris cannot provide the leadership or build the team for the task ahead.

Watches TV pictures of Home Secretary Theresa May, wearing tartan and talking earnestly about unity in the kingdom
We have scotched the snake, not killed it;
She’ll close, and be herself, whilst our poor malice
Remains in danger of her former tooth

Addressing Lady McGove
We haven’t had people round for a while. Can we invite the Mays over to supper?

Lady MacGove
Just need to freshen up first...
Out, damn’d spot, out, I say.

All the perfumes of Arabia will not sweeten this little hand.

MacGove
Try that Chanel I got you for Christmas, then.

Picks up pen and begins writing
I want this country I love - and which has given me so much - to embrace this opportunity for change with optimism and conviction.

Starts, as ghostly image of Stephen Crabb at the head of the Tory 2015 parliamentary intake appears rear stage.

I am in blood stepp’d in so far, that should I wade no more,
Returning were as tedious as go o’er.

Doorbell rings, drunk porter opens up.

Hello Stephen, nice of you to drop by. So glad you’ve thrown your hat in the ring. We all have to pull together at a time like this. Glass of wine?

The End