Culture | 21st-century mating

Luv u l8r

Modern Romance. By Aziz Ansari with Eric Klinenberg. Allen Lane; 288 pages; $28.95 and £16.

THERE is nothing quite like falling in love. The palms sweat, the heart races. It is a kind of madness that can be measured neurologically. Those early kisses flood the brain’s neural synapses with dopamine, the same chemical that is boosted when you take cocaine. But time passes, and, alas, the drug wears off. Nights of endless passion are replaced with snoring. Studies show that married couples can expect around two years of the passionate stuff, and then decades of a companionable slog. So why get married at all? Why not just look for the next dopamine hit?

It is a good question. Many are clearly asking it, as nearly nine in ten people live in a country with a falling marriage rate. In search of answers, Aziz Ansari, an American comedian, teamed up with Eric Klinenberg, a sociologist at New York University, to write “Modern Romance”, a lively look at love, marriage and the oddities of mating in the 21st century.

Mr Ansari spent much of his 20s single, which was often fun but also frustrating and confusing. At 31 he began a meaningful relationship, but this raised new questions about how to make something last. His bewilderment is justified. The pursuit of love—and sex—has never before involved so many choices, with so many new-fangled tools and such high expectations. Dating apps and social networking sites ensure that anyone with a smartphone can sample from a seemingly endless buffet of romantic prospects. This makes being single more enjoyable (it is not for nothing that people are taking longer to settle down, particularly in cities), but also more stressful. Now that everyone hopes to find their soulmate, choosing one person to be happy with can be a struggle. What if someone even better is only a click away?

Digital wooing helps people to behave like scoundrels. Among the hundreds of people interviewed for “Modern Romance”, many admitted to becoming addicted to dating sites. One woman confessed to having hunted for better-looking alternatives while en route to a first date. Others talked about the ease of starting affairs or snooping on partners. Countless women complained of receiving messages from aspiring Lotharios that ranged from lewd to asinine. Requests to “hang out” do not make the heart go aflutter.

The book treads more novel territory when it considers mating rites farther afield. In Qatar, where the only way for a woman to leave her family’s home is “to get married or die” (in the words of one woman), the internet affords more freedom to socialise away from prying eyes. In Japan, where a sluggish economy has left men feeling more insecure, few can pluck up the nerve to ask women out. This has ensured a plunging birth-rate, a thriving sex-toy market and a booming “relationship replacement” industry, in which women are paid to serve drinks and listen attentively, like modern-day geishas.

Readers should not expect a serious work of sociology, but a breezy survey of the relevant research. Though Mr Ansari’s jokey tone eventually becomes cloying (his punchlines work better on stage), his quest for answers seems genuine. When it comes to the question of marriage, he reaches a satisfying conclusion. Certainly, fewer people are tying the knot, in part because fewer people need to, and the plethora of potential mates raises the opportunity cost of choosing one. But people in good marriages statistically live longer, happier and healthier lives. The passion may burn up, but a more stable, more trusting love takes its place—and this kind of love only gets stronger with time.

This article appeared in the Culture section of the print edition under the headline "Luv u l8r"

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